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Mass Shooting Survivor Austin Eubanks Talks About Life After Columbine

dorriolds — Fri, 29 Jul 2022 09:50:00 +0000

Austin Eubanks Told Me His Story

Austin Eubanks was one of the survivors from 1999’s horrific mass shooting at Columbine High School. Tragically, his best friend Corey DePooter was murdered by the gunman. After Eubanks was severely traumatized and vulnerable, doctors began prescribing him painkillers. I know from experience, opioids are only effective for relieving short-term physical pain. They are extremely addicting and have side-effects. Long-term use can be disastrous.

Eubanks Kicked Drugs

After the shooting, Eubanks developed an opiate addiction. But at the time of our interview, he’d fought the battle of quitting drugs. Eubanks excitedly told me about his treatment and how he’d learned to live clean and sober. This is after he’d almost lost everything due to his addiction taking him to the brink.

Dealing With Survivor’s Guilt

During our interview he confided, “I could literally get whatever I wanted. Telling them I’d been shot at Columbine and lost my best friend was like getting an open prescription book from every doctor. I’d been filled with grief and survivor’s guilt. But I finally found lasting recovery.”

It has been more than two decades since this article was published. However, today, when I saw David Hoggs was trending on twitter, it brought me back to my interview with another gun violence survivor who weathered his pain by turning into an activist.

RIP Austin Eubanks (Oct 8, 1981 – May 18, 2019 ).

Those of us from Sandy Hook, Parkland, Uvalde, & Highland Park have a vision of living in a nation with no mass shootings. We thank @SpeakerPelosi @LeaderHoyer @WhipClyburn @RepCicilline for leading the effort to pass the assault weapons ban in the House of Representatives today. pic.twitter.com/1NraEelcIT

— Newtown Action Alliance (@NewtownAction) July 29, 2022

Seventeen years ago, 17-year-old Austin Eubanks was terrorized during the Columbine High School massacre. It was on April 20, 1999 and Eubanks was in the library with his best friend Corey DePooter when they heard a bomb go off. It was chaos and Eubanks ran to hide under a desk. He was shot in the arm and knee, but his deepest wounds were emotional. Austin saw his best friend murdered in a barrage of bullets.

“My injuries were not to the point of needing an opiate pain medication,” Eubanks told The Fix in an exclusive interview. “But I was immediately given a 30-day supply. Within three months I became addicted.” From then on, he said, “I used substances every day, day in and day out.”

After the shooting, his parents took him to see a therapist who said Austin was too shut down to process his horrific trauma. But the reason no one could reach him was because he was overmedicated.

“I learned to manipulate doctors,” Eubanks said. “I could literally get whatever I wanted. Telling them I’d been shot at Columbine and lost my best friend was like [getting] an open prescription book from any doctor.”

Austin never went back to school at Columbine and his parents hired a tutor. He graduated in 2000 and attended the Columbine ceremonies without setting foot back in the school. He went into advertising and married in his early 20s. He and his wife had a son, but Eubanks’ substance abuse escalated. His first attempt to get sober was in 2006. “I went to a 30-day inpatient program,” he said, “but within hours of leaving, I went right back to the same regimen—abusing pain pills and Adderall.”

Right before Columbine, young Austin had been misdiagnosed with ADD.

“I didn’t have ADD,” said Eubanks. “I just liked being outdoors and playing golf better than being in school. At that time, if anybody was truant at school they said, ‘Oh, they must be ADD. Let’s put them on a stimulant.’ That was why I got Adderall. I liked it because I could abuse opiate pain medication to the level that most people would be nodding out. With Adderall, I could function. Basically, I was doing oral speedballs. It was like using methamphetamine and heroin.”

His second try at living clean came in 2008. His son was three and he was separated from his wife. “That’s when I started to have an intrinsic motivation to change. I went to treatment, stayed 90 days, and achieved eight months of sobriety.”

He and his wife reunited and decided to have a second child. Another boy was born.

“This is one of the examples that I use when I give presentations about learning every way that doesn’t work. First, I did the normal addict path. I achieved abstinence for a period of time, and built up enough false confidence to where I said, ‘I can drink, because alcohol was never a problem for me.’ I went back to drinking. After a few weeks, drinking led back to smoking weed. Smoking weed led back to Xanax, which led back to Oxycontin, and then I was right back into the same routine.”

In 2011, he was approaching 30 and estranged from his wife and kids. “My sobriety date is April 2, 2011. I woke up in a jail cell and had absolutely no idea how I got there.”

The last thing he remembered was heading to see the Colorado Rockies baseball team on opening day. He’d been using Oxycontin and drinking, and had passed out in a restaurant. Police arrived and arrested him for probation violation. Due to his addiction, Eubanks spent years in and out of the court system for various offenses, including car theft and writing bad checks.

“I woke up, I opened my eyes in jail, sick. I was in withdrawal from opiates. I was hungover from alcohol. That was the absolute lowest moment of my life. I had ruined the marriage. I had two children I was estranged from. I told myself, ‘If I don’t stop right now, I’m going to die’ and I wasn’t ready to do that. I hit multiple rock bottoms and finally came to understand that I had learned every way that doesn’t work, and I gave up the fight to keep trying to [get sober] on my own. I went into treatment and said, ‘Tell me how to walk, how to talk, what to do and I will do it.’”

After staying mum all these years, Eubanks decided it was finally time to talk about his addiction publicly. “By talking about being at that low place in my life, it’s my attempt at helping others. I’m proof there is a path out and there’s a path out for everybody, regardless of where you are in life and what you’ve lost.”

When he finally found what he calls his “lasting recovery,” it was not in a 12-step program. “I had gone to a 12-step rehab,” said Eubanks. “I used the 12 steps, I worked them, I met with a sponsor. But I left there with two words in my mind: powerlessness and disease. Those are two dangerous words to put in somebody’s mind who is trying to enact behavioral change in their life. I’m not contesting the value of 12 steps and I’m not saying that addiction is not a disease, but I’m saying that you have to approach it from a position of empowerment to create a life for yourself that is so great you can’t imagine going back to using substances. Without that, relapse is much more common.”

He credits a therapeutic community (TC) for his long-term sobriety. “They focused on the behaviors around addiction.” He stayed for seven months. “The TC model helped me understand what was happening in my brain. I’ve always been a thinker. It was really beneficial to be able to say [to myself], ‘These decisions are happening right now in your life because this is how your brain is functioning. This is what’s happening in your prefrontal cortex. This is the reason for your impulsivity. This is what your mid-brain functionality looks like. This is what it’s going to look like at three months of abstinence. This is what it’ll look like at six months of abstinence. At a year of abstinence, if you’re able to achieve that, your brain is going to be fundamentally different than it was in the beginning.’”

Eubanks learned what his triggers were. “I could say, ‘These are impulses I’m having right now, but there’s a date on the calendar where my brain is going to be functioning differently. If I continue to exhibit pro-social behaviors and work toward that goal, I’m going to continue to make progress.’ It helped me as a roadmap.”

Now sober five years, he works for The Foundry, a TC substance abuse treatment center in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. “We talk to people about brain function,” said Eubanks, “about transactional analysis and what that looks like; what ego states make our decisions and why impulsivity is so strong. And why an addict behaves like a rebellious child. Then we apply all that to 12-step principles, which we have found to be phenomenally beneficial for people.”

Eubanks believes that addiction is on a spectrum, similar to autism and Asperger’s. “That spectrum is dictated by a number of factors and it’s everything from IQ to socioeconomic status to somebody’s social group to the age of the first time they used. A lot of things contribute to a person’s ability to function for a life of abstinence. We have to look at that on a case-by-case basis.”

It’s true, one size does not fit all and individuals require different tools. You might have somebody able to function in an environment where there’s alcohol around and not be susceptible to relapse, while others can never be in an environment like that without the risk of slipping.

The Foundry’s TC model is based on four pillars: medical, clinical, wellness and family. Medical includes tests to determine blood levels and how a patient metabolizes medication. When appropriate, medication is prescribed. Clinical includes counseling, observation, and treatment to help patients cope with behavioral, mental and emotional problems that interfere with their daily lives. Wellness may include yoga, diet and exercise to help build a better life. Family may involve working with families on a weekly basis and then bringing them out for a family intensive, where they go through the curricula for three days with other families.

“The message I want to send to people is to ask for help,” Eubanks said. “I lived in the dark for over a decade in my addiction. I could never see the path out. Ask for help because it’s there. I finally took the road of recovery and never looked back. Through that process, I was able to re-establish a relationship with my children that is fantastic today. They play a big part in my life. I have a functional relationship with my ex-wife, who is now remarried and I’m recently engaged and going to be married again. Life is too good to ever consider going back to where I was.”

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Chasing a Cure for Hepatitis C | The Fix

dorriolds — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 09:32:42 +0000

Hepatitis C Cure

When I quit drugs and drinking, I found out I had chronic persistent hepatitis C. I’d contracted it in 1978 when I was 17. As the years went by, my chances increased for developing cirrhosis, liver cancer, or liver failure. I might even need a liver transplant. I’d heard about interferon and its brutal side effects, including suicidal depression. I had HCV (hepatitis C virus) because I’d been so depressed as a teen I shot drugs and shared needles in hopes I’d croak.

But, in addition to stirring up thoughts of killing myself, interferon would’ve meant six months of using needles to administer the drug. It had been nearly impossible to kick drugs and harder still to stay off them, so I was terrified that injecting drugs might steer me toward relapse. Interferon also had a puny 45% success rate, so I opted out.

A few years ago, I found a primary care physician specializing in infectious diseases and staying up-to-date on HCV treatments. He was waiting and watching for Harvoni (ledipasvir/sofosbuvir) to go on the market. “Now we’ll be able to cure you within 90 days,” he’d said. “And with only one daily pill.”

Hepatitis C Virus is divided into six genotypes. I have genotype 1, the most common type in the US and the most difficult to treat. In October 2014, when the FDA approved Gilead’s miracle drug, Harvoni, my insurance company refused to pay for it—three months of Harvoni costs upwards of $95,000. I was told I wasn’t sick enough. They were willing to gamble with my health, but my doctor wasn’t. He and his staff submitted appeal after appeal. I switched insurance companies three times, hoping to get Harvoni coverage, but to no avail.

Finally, I received an okay for AbbVie’s Viekira Pak with ribavirin. It costs $12,000 less than Harvoni and has a similar cure rate (97%), but Viekira Pak comes with a frightening warning: “It may cause severe liver problems.” My doctor reassured me that the treatment was worth it and that there would be no side effects.

My doctor reassured me that the treatment was worth it. He also said there’d be no side effects. He knew how scared I was. If I’d known how difficult taking the medication would be, I would’ve chickened out. That would’ve been stupid, so I’m glad I took the meds and survived the awful experience.

My three months on this cocktail have included severe gastrointestinal issues, including nausea, constipation, and diarrhea. I’ve had skin rashes and chills, confusion, forgetfulness, high anxiety and depression. The worst was the exhaustion, which often made it impossible for me to work. As a freelancer, no work equals no pay.

The ribavirin caused anemia, and I’ve had to stay in bed most days, not knowing if it was day or night. Instead of one Harvoni pill, I’ve had to take three Viekira Pak pills (two different kinds) with three ribavirin pills with breakfast and one Viekira Pak pill plus two ribavirin pills with dinner. If my husband hadn’t kept me on schedule, I would’ve slept through most of the doses.

Even when I set my alarm, I couldn’t move most of the time. Thank goodness I have a mate who kept track of the pills and woke me up at the correct intervals to bring food and drug cocktails. He also shopped, cooked, did laundry, vacuumed, massaged my aching legs, and took over full-time care of our dog. Without a support system, I don’t know how anyone could manage.

Hepatitis C Blood Tests

On the upside, my blood tests showed that my viral load went from 1,000,000 from the time I began treatment to 20 at the end of the first month. Now, after a total of three months, it is at zero. My liver inflammation has gone way down as well, and my doctor assures me that my side effects will cease now that I’ve finished the meds. Still, I wish I could’ve been treated with Harvoni and had known about the multiple class action lawsuits against insurance companies for not covering it.

Eleanor Hamburger is a lawyer at Sirianni Youtz Spoonemore Hamburger, the Seattle firm litigating two class action lawsuits against Washington state health insurers Group Health Cooperative and BridgeSpan, a subsidiary of Regence BlueShield. Hamburger told me, “We had people approach us who had been denied Harvoni. In most states, there’s just a handful of lawyers who do cases involving denials of treatment that people need by their insurance companies.”

She explained, “Here’s the problem. The insurance companies and payers, like Medicaid, are putting patients in the middle of this tug-of-war with pharmaceutical companies. Payers, whether it’s Medicaid or private insurance, have a responsibility to pay when all the requirements for coverage are met. The whole point of health insurance, and the safety net provided by Medicaid, is to be there with medically necessary treatment when those terms and conditions are met.

The fact that it’s expensive requires the payers to take action against the pharmaceutical companies to get the right price. What clearly should not happen and what has been occurring is, instead of pushing on that process to get to a fair price between pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies and payers, the payers have been saying, ‘No, we’re just not going to give coverage.’ The ones that get harmed are the patients. It’s wrong.”

Hep C Hadn’t Made Me Sick Enough?

When I told her, “Insurance companies told me I wasn’t sick enough,” she raised her voice in anger. “No one should be forced to walk around with a viral time bomb in their body, gambling on the chance that they’re not going to get sicker while they’re waiting. When you pay your premium, the whole point of insurance is transferring the risk of having that catastrophic cost to the insurance company.

At the end of the year, you don’t get your money back if you haven’t needed anything expensive for your health insurance! The same is true if you have a year when you’ve got high healthcare costs. Insurance companies can’t suddenly say, ‘Well, even though you’re entitled to coverage under the terms and conditions of our policy, we’re not going to cover it for everyone because it’s too expensive.’ The policies do not allow insurance companies to wait around saying, ‘Oh, but it’s so expensive we have to ration it.’”

Hamburger led me to Michael Ninburg, the executive director at the Hepatitis Education Project (HEP), a nonprofit whose mission is to provide support, advocacy, and services for those affected by HCV. He was eager to discuss updates regarding the Washington state class action lawsuits. The lawsuits allege that denying treatment to HCV patients unless they demonstrated significant liver damage was illegal and improper.

“We applaud the Regence group,” said Ninburg. “They’re one of the largest insurers in the Pacific Northwest, and as of February 16, Regence will conform to recommendations of the HCV guidelines issued by IDSA and AASLD.”

He said, “This change is important to HCV patients because Regence and its affiliated pharmacy benefit manager, Omega Rx, removed all previous restrictions on coverage.”

Ninburg then put me in touch with Sean Hemmerle, a 43-year-old ex-heroin addict and ex-con who is now a full-time college student in Olympia. Hemmerle served time in prison “for a robbery related to my heroin use,” he said. He was diagnosed with HCV in 2010 at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle while undergoing surgeries “to repair wounds from injecting black tar heroin.”

Hemmerle said he was sure he’d gotten Hepatitis C Virus from “sharing cookers because I’ve never shared a needle in my life.” When he was on his way to prison, he said, “I looked forward to receiving interferon while I was locked up. I figured it would be an opportune time to go through all the BS associated with it. Unfortunately, the prison medical staff, once they finally got my genotype and viral count, told me that I had too little in my sentence left to begin.”

“When I got out [of prison],” Hemmerle said, “Obamacare happened, and I got a primary care provider in the winter of 2013, who referred me to the liver clinic at Harborview in the summer of 2014. Once the liver clinic saw me, they sent a script for 12 weeks of Harvoni to DSHS [Washington State Department of Social and Health Services]. DSHS denied it, but the clinic appealed.

DSHS denied it again. The clinic then sent my script to the patient assistance program at Harborview, which contacted Gilead. Once the patient assistance program got involved, it was only a week before I received my first month of Harvoni. I completed my 12 weeks in July 2015 with absolutely no side effects, and my viral load was undetectable by week 5.”

He added, “I have loads of survivor’s guilt because I lucked out—literally days after approving me, Gilead began approving only levels 3 and 4 for patient assistance for Harvoni. Some HMOs, like Group Health, have recently begun approving 1s and 2s for treatment.”

While the drug companies battle it out in a price war, Merck’s rock-‘n’-roll-sounding pill, Zepatier (elbasvir/grazoprevir), became available January 29 for $54,600 per three-month treatment. Like the other meds, Zepatier has a cure rate of 97%. Due to its lower price tag, insurance companies are more likely to cover it. Unfortunately, Zepatier’s side effects are similar to those I’ve experienced on Viekira Pak with ribavirin.

Gilead has earned approximately $20 billion for HCV treatment, and AbbVie has earned billions from its Viekira Pak. It’s too soon to know how much money Merck will earn from Zepatier.

Regulus Therapeutics is the newest threat to Gilead’s profits. On February 17, Regulus announced test results showing that RG 101 administered two times in one month, along with a month’s worth of Harvoni, can reduce an HCV cure to a total of four weeks. Regulus is working on testing RG 101 with GlaxoSmithKline’s NS5B inhibitor, which would eliminate Harvoni. If that pans out, Gilead will suffer, but insurance companies will benefit. Hopefully, that means that more people with HCV will receive coverage.

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Ridley Scott Directs the John Paul Getty Kidnapping starring Michelle Williams and Kevin Spacey

dorriolds — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 00:01:35 +0000

John Paul Getty, III (1956–2011) was the favorite grandson of the wealthiest man in the world, the miserly oil baron Jean Paul Getty. Young John was kidnapped and his billionaire grandpa refused to pay the $17 million ransom. It is a chiller of a thriller coming to the big screen on December 8.
Ridley Scott directs the true crime thriller, All the Money in the World. David Scarpa wrote the screenplay based on John Pearson’s book and the movie boasts an all-star cast. Kevin Spacey is unrecognizable as J. Paul Getty. Michelle Williams plays the terrified mother of kidnapped Getty (Charlie Plummer). Fletcher Chase (Mark Wahlberg) is a security man employed by the senior Getty.
The History
Getty, III spent his young life in Rome where his father was head of the Italian branch of the Getty’s family oil biz. But his Dad left when he was 9. By the age of 15 young Getty had been expelled from 7 schools and was a drug-taking, thrill-seeking partier.
At 3am, July 10, 1973 in Rome’s Piazza Farnese, Getty was kidnapped. He was pistol-whipped in the head, forced into a car and taken to a cave in Calabria. The kidnappers sent a ransom note demanding $17 million. Because Getty had been a rebellious kid who’d actually joked about staging his own kidnapping, when the ransom note arrived Getty’s family thought it might be a trick to get money from his notoriously tightwadded Dad.
The very real kidnappers blindfolded 16-year-old Getty and held him prisoner. He was beaten, tortured and tied to a stake. In November 1973, another ransom note was sent, this time to a daily newspaper but due to an Italian postal strike at the time it arrived 3 weeks late. The envelope contained a lock of Getty’s hair and his now partially-rotted sliced ear and a type-written note, “This is Paul’s ear. If we don’t get money within 10 days, then the other ear will arrive. In other words, he will arrive in little bits.”
That finally convinced Getty’s father to ask his tycoon Dad for the money but was refused. Getty’s grandfather argued, “If I pay one penny now, then I will have 14 kidnapped grandchildren.” Getty’s father agreed to pay the ransom, but begrudgingly. He negotiated! He ended up paying $2.9 million and his son—held captive for 138 days—was freed on December 15, 1973. Some of the kidnappers (an ex-con, a hospital orderly, a carpenter and an olive oil dealer) were caught but most of the ransom was never recovered. Getty’s father demanded that he pay back the ransom money plus 4 percent interest.
Getty married his 5-months-pregnant bride in 1974. His grandfather’s family trust barred him from marrying until he was 26. Because Getty was only 18 when he married he was cut off from the family’s money. In 1977, Getty had an operation to rebuild his mutilated ear. Getty and his wife had only one son before they divorced in 1993.
Getty’s twisted life turned worse. He was an alcoholic and drug addict—not that surprising, or even unusual—but one night in 1981 after combining valium, methadone and alcohol he suffered liver failure and a stroke. Getty was left a quadriplegic, unable to speak and nearly blind. He was 25 years old.
Getty’s father, also a drug addict, and also cut off from the family funds, said that Getty’s stroke was his own fault and refused to pay the astronomical medical bills. Getty needed round-the-clock care to be spoon-fed, changed and washed. His only means of communication were high-pitched screams.
The Getty brood took family dysfunction to epic extremes. In addition to Getty’s father’s heroin addiction, his sister Aileen Getty, was diagnosed HIV positive in 1985. She’s been in 7 institutions, had 12 shock treatments, 7 miscarriages, anorexia and was a self mutilator. Aileen is one of the longest survivors with the AIDS virus.
Getty was nursed for years by his devoted mother and a team of caregivers. He’d been gravely ill for much of that time. Getty died at the age of 54. He is survived by 2 children, son Balthazar and stepdaughter Anna, and 6 grandchildren. He’s also survived by his mother and 4 siblings: Getty Images co-founder Mark Getty, prominent AIDS activist Aileen Getty, Ariadne Getty and his half-brother Tara Getty. His actor son, Paul Balthazar Getty, has the letters BZAR tattooed on the fingers of his right hand. That seems a fitting way to end this heartbreaking tale of a mentally disturbed dynasty.

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How to Become a Substance Abuse Nurse

dorriolds — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 13:10:41 +0000

Increasing Demand for Substance Abuse Nurses

Drug addicts need lots of physical care and counseling while recovering from their addiction. Many go to rehabilitation centers after they’ve spent years failing to kick on their own. Substance abuse nurses provide the loving care and support that addicts need to learn to live without drugs. If you’re interested in pursuing this career path, you must first obtain the relevant academic qualifications and experience. Read on and learn the education requirements and job description of a substance abuse nurse.

Job Description

Substance abuse nurses provide medical care to patients suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Patients can suffer from intense pain and other symptoms such as vomiting, nausea, and insomnia after withdrawing from drugs. Nurses administer pain medication and other drugs to relieve patients of the withdrawal symptoms.

Nurses also counsel recovering drug addicts to help them overcome the psychological issues that led to drug abuse. Without counseling and moral support, many patients go back to substance abuse after treatment. Hence, nurses have an opportunity to help patients overcome addiction and learn to prevent relapse in the future.

Education and Training

Drug addiction is a physical and mental condition. Substance abuse nurses require general medical training and specialized training in handling drug addiction. You must be a registered nurse to work as a substance abuse nurse, which means graduating from a nursing program. You can then take this knowledge further by registering for the University of South Dakota RN to BSN online degree.

After completing your education, you will take a national licensing exam to obtain your license. You may need to take additional tests depending on the rules and regulations in your state. The next step after obtaining your license is to work as a general nurse practitioner for at least three years or 4,000 hours to obtain a certificate. Alternatively, you can gain at least two years’ experience as a substance abuse nurse and get your certificate.

Once you gain the relevant work experience, you will sit for the certification exam and become a Certified Addictions Registered Nurse (CARN). The certified enables you to access well-paying jobs in any medical institution that treats drug addicts.

Potential Employers

Substance abuse nurses work in a variety of different medical institutions that treat addicts. The professionals can work in rehabilitation centers, hospitals, psychiatric wards, and mental health centers. You can also find a job at methadone clinics and treatment centers. The increase in the number of drug addicts every year continues to lead to an increase in the demand for specialized medical practitioners. Due to the demand you are likely to find a good job after obtaining the basic requirements. Prepare to treat drug addicts of all ages including teenagers and the elderly. You can start support groups in your community or offer individualized counseling to help more people overcome drug addiction.

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Non-Addicts Had Questions About Addiction. Here Are Answers

dorriolds — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 11:03:28 +0000

What are the reasons people get addicted in the first place? How do the drugs make them feel? So many questions.

My family is smart, well-read, and well-meaning. As are my friends and wide network of acquaintances. Yet I’m shocked by how little non-addicts seem to grasp that addiction is a disease. The symptoms are well-publicized.

Frequently, though, many people in my life who are familiar with my horrid drug and alcohol odyssey still offer me a drink. I understand that it’s not their responsibility to worry about my addiction, but it still strikes me as odd. I’m often asked why I can’t have just a glass of wine or why I still consider myself an addict when I’ve been clean for so long. They’re surprised that my cravings never went away, and perplexed why it is still difficult for me to be near liquor.

For 15 years I was a heavy drug and alcohol user. After trying to quit repeatedly—and failing miserably—I finally asked for help in 1988. My recovery began with spending 31 days in a rehab, then decades of therapy, plus 28 years of surrounding myself with sober addicts who “get it.” Am I cured? No. But I’m grateful for the daily reprieve.

It seems that no matter how many articles are written and read, and documentaries made and seen, those who do not suffer from addiction have an inability to relate to my illness. I decided to post a query on Facebook: What is the hardest thing to understand about those that suffer with addiction?

Within two days I had 100 responses. Here are the most commonly asked questions and my answers for The Fix. (Note: These are my answers and represent my experiences and feelings and those of the many addicts and alcoholics I have met in nearly three decades of being in recovery communities. Please note that not everyone who struggles with addiction or who identifies as an addict will have these same answers.)

Questions and Answers

Why do addicts have a skeptical view that others can use substances casually?

In many cases, it’s because we can’t. For me it is a combination of jealousy and disbelief. I minimized and denied my problem for so long, I can make the mistake of projecting my experience onto others and thinking they are in denial.

Heroin withdrawal symptoms sound like a flu. I’ve had really bad flus but I know it’ll end. What keeps heroin addicts from not just powering through it?

Addiction is a physical and mental disorder. Underneath many addictions is an underlying inability to tolerate negative feelings. Addicts believe in a substance in the way many describe believing in god. The substance is soothing, our best friend, our protector, the one thing that will take away our pain. It is mentally-ill thinking because whatever euphoria and pleasure we found at the beginning of our substance use is no longer attainable by the time we are deep into our addiction. But just like Pavlov’s dogs, we practically drool for our substance of choice. Without it, we fear the return of often paralyzing pain and depression. Also, with heroin, the physical malady of quitting is horrific and we know that the one thing to stop it immediately is more heroin. If everyone who had the flu knew of one substance that would immediately take away the nearly unbearable symptoms, wouldn’t they be compelled to take it?

I can almost hear the non-addict saying, “But if I knew it was bad for me, I wouldn’t take it.” Yes, and that right there is the difference between a non-addict and an addict. An addict craves the very thing they are “allergic” to. The compulsion to use is so strong, it often wins out.

When an addict craves a substance, their logical mind is not working. They’re not thinking, “This is bad for me.” They’re thinking, “I need this right now. I must have it. I cannot go on another second without it.”

We don’t think about anything else in that moment. We are not able to care about our loved ones, or our health, or job, or beloved pets. The craving is the loudest thing in our head and forces every other thought out—including the thought that there will be horrible consequences if we use again.

What are the reasons people get addicted in the first place? How do the drugs make them feel?

When I was on a drug, it quieted down the noise of anxiety and depression in my head. The closest comparison I can think of is wrapping myself in a down coat when I was freezing cold. The substance seemed necessary. I found drugs and alcohol as a young teenager and they lit my head up like a pinball machine. At the same time my frontal lobe—the brain region that makes decisions like “Okay, you’ve had enough, go home and get some sleep”—might as well have been in a coma. It did not function when I was under the influence. The pleasure center always took over. When that happened, I basked in the euphoria and the absence of anxiety, self-consciousness, and despair.

Every addict I have ever spoken to in the past 28 years has understood that “noise in my head.” It was a constant gnawing of negative thoughts that I didn’t have the power to shut off. Along came substances that made all the negative chatter shut up. It was new and wonderful and a tremendous relief. It made me feel “normal,” i.e., like everybody else seemed to be.

How do genetics play a role? Why do some people in the same family become addicts while others don’t?

That is the $60-million-dollar question. Science cannot provide a definitive equation to explain how much genetics play a role in addiction and how much is determined by life experiences, but there are many educated opinions. Neuroscientist Dr. Nora Volkow of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), believes that addiction can be explained by dopamine in the brain. Another addiction expert, Canadian physician Dr. Gabor Maté, believes “emotions are deeply implicated in both the development of illness, addictions and disorders, and in their healing.”

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD) states that genetics make up only 50% of the risk for alcohol and drug dependence.

For example, if one sibling underwent a trauma and the other did not, that might explain why only one becomes an addict. Another factor may be personality and it’s not clear how much a personality is formed by nature vs. nurture. There are a multitude of studies on this topic, but as we all know, studies need to be studied in order to determine their accuracy. Most studies can present facts in a way that support the author’s hypothesis.

Does sobriety become easier over time or is there always a temptation to use?

That depends on the particular person. I know many sober peeps who gave up drugs and alcohol and no longer wrestle with cravings. That hasn’t been the case for me. When I smell alcohol, I crave it. I’ve made sure to avoid any situation where someone might have cocaine and ask me if I’d like to snort a line. I don’t know how I’d react in that situation and I don’t want to gamble.

There are sober alcoholics who can bartend and people who were addicted to drugs who can deal drugs. That would never be possible for me. My desire to use remains strong. I stay sober by using the tools that I’ve learned and by staying away from temptations.

Why have a child or children when you are more interested in your addiction?

This question made me tear up. It was asked by a woman who is open about having been raised in an abusive alcoholic home. The phrasing relays pain and resentment. Sadly, it is an unanswerable question. Everyone’s situation is different and none of us believe that our addictions will take over our lives and hurt the ones we love. Most parents have the best of intentions for bringing a child into the world. If they are aware of their addiction, they probably don’t feel that it will affect their ability to parent. Perhaps the pregnancy was accidental and abortion or adoption did not feel like options.

I have chosen to live child-free for myriad reasons. One of the strongest was the fear that I might pass along addiction, depression and anxiety. For me, it was the right decision. My guess is that most parents do not have children with the intention of treating them horribly and causing them enormous pain, but sadly humans aren’t always equipped to take care of themselves, let alone their children.

Why do addicts drag their families halfway into the grave with them?

They don’t. Anyone who loves someone with an addiction needs to get professional help to learn how to protect themselves and their children. People in active addiction can be out of control and may hurt and manipulate the people closest to them.

Why does someone start?

The reasons are different for each person. For me it was a combination of curiosity and rebellion. I wanted to do what I wasn’t supposed to do, like some kind of rite of passage towards adulthood. I romanticized dead rock stars who’d lived fast and died young. I wanted to die because life felt too hard.

Can an addict see how sick they are when they look in the mirror?

Sometimes, but denial is a large part of any addiction. Many addicts lie to themselves. Most minimize, justify, and rationalize what they’re doing to themselves and others.

How is it so easy to lie about everything?

That is part of the mental illness. I believed my own lies. I also felt dissociated. I didn’t have a compass for right and wrong anymore. I ran on the fumes of need. One therapist described me as sociopathic. That may or may not have been true. I was traumatized by a gang rape at 13 by classmates. I became cut off from my feelings and reality. I was enraged and incapable of empathizing with others in a normal way.

Why do addicts blame other people?

When an addict blames other people, it could be that their sense of reality is so altered that they actually believe their problems were caused by other people. Or they might be attempting to gain sympathy and attention. Or maybe they are trying to manipulate others in order to get what they believe they need.

What is it about life that is so hard that an addict can’t handle it without drugs or alcohol?

I can only answer for myself. I had obsessive and horrible thoughts. I hated myself and I wanted to die. I obsessed about ways to kill myself. When I tried drugs and alcohol, all of that was lifted when I was high. It was like magic. When that magic stopped working I kept believing that I could get it back. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” Every addict I have ever known had that form of insanity.

Is there a way to prevent it?

I’ve thought about that for decades. I still don’t know the answer. I think if there were a reliable means of prevention, we would have heard about it.

The post Non-Addicts Had Questions About Addiction. Here Are Answers appeared first on Award-Winning Writer and Graphic Designer.

Interview with ‘Free Refills’ Opiate Addicted Doctor Peter Grinspoon

dorriolds — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 15:44:03 +0000

“The book was to show that opiate addiction is not necessarily a death sentence. People love and support you and there are many resources. People can be healed but it’s definitely a process and a struggle.” — Dr. Peter Grinspoon

The memoir “Free Refills: A Doctor Confronts His Addiction” is the harrowing tale of Harvard-trained Dr. Peter Grinspoon, a primary care medical doctor whose life ran horribly amok through his addiction to prescription opioids. The book is also about his recovery and despite the somber topic, Grinspoon offers a lot of hilarity. Dorri Olds landed an exclusive interview with the candid doctor.

Dorri Olds: During your opiate addiction how many pills were you taking?

Peter Grinspoon: It would always depend on what I could get my hands on. I was taking somewhere in the range of 10 to 20 a day. Depending on if I had any major obligations, which would prevent me from taking a lot and if I had a reasonable supply.

Vicodin, OxyContin or Percocet?

All of the above. It started with Vicodin, but the opiates are all similar to each other in how they affect you. It was whatever I could get my hands on.

Did you experience side effects?

Yeah, I was constipated and sort of drowsy. I mostly had side effects when it wore off. I would be jittery and shaky and jumping out of my skin.

Some men on opiates experience impotence and lack of libido. Did you?

Yes, but my marriage was so messed up at that point anyway.

Was the marriage happy before your pill addiction?

No, we were already unhappy but my addiction made it a lot worse. That was the nail in the coffin. She knew the extent of my problem. She gets angry, so I tuned her out.

Do you think anybody could’ve done or said anything that would have helped you?

Coercing people into treatment is a controversial topic. I was forced into treatment because I wanted to get my medical license back. I think the coercion is part of what helped me. I don’t think I was able. I didn’t have it under control at all. I cannot think of anything that anybody could have said or done, that they didn’t already say or do, that would have helped me.

Can you tell me about your father? He was one of the earliest people in favor of medical marijuana, correct?

Yeah, he wrote a book in 1972 called ‘Marijuana Reconsidered.” He kept intending to write a book about how dangerous it was but when he looked into the research he found out that it wasn’t dangerous at all. That coincided with the time that my brother Danny, who has passed away, had leukemia. He found it helpful back then for the nausea and the vomiting that came along with chemotherapy. My parents had a firsthand proof of how helpful medical marijuana could be. That converted my dad who at age 87 is still chugging away trying to get marijuana legalized. He’s retired as a psychiatrist and no longer sees patients but still works at advocacy of medical and recreational cannabis. My parents were too old to have been part of the hippie movement, but their hearts were definitely with the hippies.

And the beats! It’s interesting that Carl Sagan and Allen Ginsburg were houseguests.

Yes, there were many people like that who were fixtures of my childhood. Carl Sagan was there all the time, he was good friends with my dad. And I remember Allen Ginsberg croaking at me—they’d been smoking and smoking. “Boy,” he said, “get me some water.” I wasn’t thrilled with being called boy, but in all fairness, I was only nine.

Let’s talk about your patients now. How did you talk them into giving you drugs?

Oh great [said sarcastically], the part of the story I’m most proud of. [Laughs] It was my patients who were prescribed a lot of opiates and I suspected they weren’t using them entirely above board.

You mean you sensed they were addicted?

Addicted, or selling. I was a friendly doctor so I was like, “Hey, you know I get bad migraines. What if I prescribed 215 instead of 200 and you gave me back 15?” Not one of them seemed surprised or said no.

It takes an addict to spot another, eh?

Yeah, it was like we were on a subliminal addict communication channel.

How many relapses did you have after you were arrested and forced to do your rehab stint?

I had three brief ones. I was caught through drug testing and got reported to the medical board. But I quickly got my act together because I didn’t want to lose every chance of getting my medical license back.

What does being a doctor mean to you? Was it because you had a family to support? Was it because you’d done all that education towards being a doctor? Was it you wanted to please your parents?

All of the above. But mostly, being a primary care doctor is my identity. That’s what I chose. I killed myself to become a primary care doctor. We do okay but we’re among the lowest paid doctors in the country. It isn’t lucrative or glamorous. Surgeons, dermatologists, ophthalmologists make the big money. We’re like the second-class citizens of medical care. But I have connections with patients and feel like I’m helping people. I couldn’t imagine giving that up.

“Free Refills: A Doctor Confronts His Addiction” by Dr. Peter Grinspoon is available for purchase here.

Written For Honeysuckle magazine

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HEROIN: Rebel Without a Clue — Written for Honeysuckle Magazine

dorriolds — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 19:05:08 +0000

Honeysuckle Magazine

“I realize that I’ve been hypnotized.” — Jimi Hendrix

Where do self-destructive impulses come from? I had romanticized images of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin but they were dead long before I heard of them.

The first time I shot heroin was down at St. Mark’s place in 1978. I was a 17-year-old aspiring artist looking for a place to sell my Pollok-ish hand-painted T-shirts. I’d seen people leaning against the walls of Cooper Union, selling their junk on the strip between Lafayette and Third Ave.

I have no idea where my self-destructive impulses came from. I was prone to dark thoughts and there’s a history of suicidal tendencies in my Russian Jewish bloodline that dates back generations.

One uncle shot himself in the chest and died before he hit the bed. His brother died from a second heart attack; he’d ignored the doc and kept on popping pills and smoking four packs a day. On the paternal side, my aunt was found with a plastic bag around her head. The topic was taboo but what’s more enticing to a teen hellion than something you’re not supposed to do?

I had romanticized images of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, both long dead before I’d heard of them. Suburbia was traumatic for me and I was sick of arguing with my parents. I ran away at 15 and bee-lined for Greenwich Village where remnants of the sixties were everywhere. Guitars and radios played Bob Dylan, Neil Young; people singing waved me to come over. I liked the cool head shops on Eighth Street and hung around them, eavesdropping to learn about drugs and paraphernalia.

Written for Honeysuckle Magazine

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