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This is a banquet of a book, which any newly single man should be able to get nourishment from — and although women are not the target audience, I found that we can benefit from many of its suggestions too. Co-authored by a widowed market researcher and a married writer, the book draws on extensive research. The writing is accessible and easy to run through, and the headings are prominent enough so you can easily find topics of interest. There are also lots of stories and even a joke for a man to share with his buddies. The authors come across as nice, decent men with a sense of humor who show compassion for their male readers and respect for the women these men want to meet.

The book recognizes that many men emerge from a married state not knowing how to take care of their most elemental needs. Since 50 percent of the men over 55 surveyed for this book have never prepared a meal, the authors teach readers how to feed themselves, from making a shopping list, going to the store (where they can meet new people), using kitchen appliances, and so forth. I learned about a website to find owner’s manuals for appliances. Like helpful big brothers, Spielman and Silbert tell men to wear clean, unwrinkled clothes, keep their fingernails and toenails short and clean, make their beds every day, and do their laundry once a week — the laundromat is another good place to meet new people. Since women are often the money-person in the marriage — as one widower told me, “I never saw the mail, she took care of everything” — the authors give advice on handling financial and legal affairs.

The bulk of the book offers guidance for meeting, dating, having sex with, and developing relationships with women. There’s a little bit about strengthening male friendships and going to bereavement or divorce groups, but since two-thirds of surveyed men say they want to find a woman to be with, most of the advice is toward this goal.

How to meet a woman? The Internet is the #1 way now, closely followed by women known in the past, and then through family or friends, chance encounters, and at gatherings and religious facilities. Specific advice for Internet dating includes advice on your profile photo and information, staying honest (anyone can find your age on the Internet, and height and weight are evident when you meet in person, so what’s the point of lying?), Googling potential dates, and yourself to find out what other people can learn about you.

There’s advice on keeping a conversation going, good places to go on dates, and always being prepared with condoms and with a packed overnight bag in your car in case you get really lucky. If you get invited to spend the night at a woman’s home, check out how to get to her bathroom from her bed, so you won’t bump into anything on those middle-of-the-night trips to the john. If you want her to come to your home, clean up your medicine cabinet ahead of time. If a woman offers to pay on a first date, don’t assume this means she doesn’t want to see you again – it probably means she’s an independent woman; the authors offer graceful ways of handling the situation. Men are encouraged to keep a Dating Dossier to keep track of the women they meet – names, dates, where they went, how many children she has.

I liked the authors telling guys that if a first date doesn’t work out, the man should not say he’ll call. Women have complained about this since I was a teenager, so don’t say it if you don’t mean it. The authors suggest kinder ways to move on.

There’s some discussion about sex: most mature men and women want it, it’s most likely to occur after five or more dates, more than one-third of people use vibrators or other sex toys, medications can help with erectile difficulties, and men and women should tell each other what they like. Moving on in the relationship, there are suggestions for introducing your special woman friend to your family, advice to take a two-week trip together before planning to live together, and ways to kindly end a relationship that hasn’t worked out.

This book packs a lot of useful information into 177 pages but some areas were neglected. I hope that successive editions will include more about oral and manual means of sexual pleasure, about the need for foreplay, about the physical needs of “re-virgins” (women who have not been sexually active for some time), about couples getting tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases and sharing results with each other. I would also like to see some acknowledgment that gay men coming out of a marriage or a relationship may have some of the same concerns as heterosexual men.

But what the book already has is really helpful. So is its website, SuddenlySolo.org, where Hal gives sensible, caring answers to questions in his “Ask Hal” column.

The book can be purchased on Amazon.

____________________________

Sally Wendkos Olds has written extensively about intimate relationships, personal growth, and developmental issues throughout the life cycle, and has won national awards for both her book and magazine writing. In addition to her classic, The Complete Book of Breastfeeding, first published in 1972 and revised for its fourth edition in 2010, she is the author of ten other books, including Super Granny: Great Stuff to Do with Your Grandkids, and hundreds of magazine articles for major publications.

A former president of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, she received the ASJA Career Achievement Award in 2010. She is currently writing a book for people whose life partner died a year or more previously. You can find out more about her on her website and blog.

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* * *

“Reasons to Re-Joyce” is an appealing essay written by Darin Strauss (Sunday Book Review, The New York Times, December 9, 2012). Not only did Strauss mock the hand-wringing world of whiners moaning about the death of literary fiction, he states, “The naysaying misses the fact that this has been a wildly good book year.” Oh, and by the way, you can trust Strauss has his finger on the right pulse — his most recent book, a memoir titled Half a Life, won the National Book Critics Circle Award. The title of this essay is a reference to Ulysses by James Joyce. Strauss claims the novel is still relevant and a strong influence on what he calls a recent slew of “legitimate masterpieces.” Strauss also makes an excellent point that many of the doom and gloom analyses of the so-called downturn in book sales is not based on actual numbers: “It would be one thing if the naysayers were talking about a crash dive of sales figures. Sales figures carry the inarguability of math.” Instead, he argues, the public is under a barrage of nothing more than negative uniformed opinions from glass half empty talking heads. So, rejoice writers and keep writing your books. Readers are still reading.

* * *

“A Strong Author Platform Translates into Book Sales” reports DBW (Digital Book Wire, December 6, 2012). This is an article promoting the Digital Book World Conference & Expo in New York that is taking place January 15–17, 2013. No doubt the recap will offer sound advice for and analyses of the current state of digital book sales. This conference offers trade publishers hard data on today’s and tomorrow’s book biz. The conference refers to itself as “the single largest gathering of senior-level digital publishing execs anywhere.” It promises attendees access to presidents, CEOs, editors, marketers, large and small publishers, agents, authors, booksellers, librarians and techies — in other words, everyone you need to know to manage your success in the digital publishing world. Topics will include the power of social media and how to determine your best strategy from a dizzying array of platforms including Twitter, Facebook, blogs, Pinterest and YouTube. Speakers will cover how to generate media buzz, how to use search engine optimization (SEO) to rise to higher heights in Google searches and the necessity of 365-day marketing strategies to measure the success of your efforts. So, if you are one of those writers who has been reluctant to spruce up your website or blog, and take the plunge into social media conversations on Twitter and Facebook, there is so much more you can be doing to create your own writing success. Run, don’t walk, to social media marketing.

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Did you know that service dogs aren’t just for the blind? You’ve probably heard of service dogs helping soldiers with PTSD but what you may not know is how many specifically-trained dogs there are to help people with all types of disabilities including physical, sensory, and mental health issues.

Dogs can give us a reason to get up in the morning, to exercise, and take good care of ourselves. We know they need us as much as we need them. Before myCavalier King Charles Spaniel, Buddy James, came into my life, I had no idea I was capable of loving anyone that much. I hadn’t experienced the type of love he offers—loyal, non-judgmental, affectionate, steadfast and predictable. He provides invaluable comfort and has alleviated most of my depressive tendencies, like feelings of isolation and loneliness.

A dear friend Adrienne Gurman lives with chronic depression and all of the obstacles that presents. Yesterday she had to say goodbye to her belovedChocolate Labrador, Maya. My heart grieves for her because I understand how tremendous the loss was. Her dog was a huge comfort and helped her navigate the world in spite of her mental health issues.

During my years of researching the relationships humans have with their dogs, I have come across a multitude of terms and definitions on how dogs are trained to help people with all types of disabilities. Instead of keeping this info locked up in my head, I thought it would be helpful to share it with you—my fellow dog lovers. Here is a breakdown of definitions:

Working Dog

A working dog refers to a canine who is not merely a pet, but one who has been trained to perform specific tasks in order to assist its owner. This is an umbrella term use for all types of service dogs.

Guide Dog

Guide dog refers to a dog trained specifically to help blind or visually impaired people.

Hearing Dog

Hearing dogs are trained to alert deaf or hearing-impaired individuals to sounds, i.e., the arrival of people, doorbells, smoke alarms, telephones, alarm clocks, etc.

Therapy Dog

A therapy dog is a dog trained to provide affection and comfort to people in hospitals, retirement homes, nursing homes, schools and other situations and environments that can create stress. Therapy dogs are not considered service or assistance dogs.

Psychiatric Service Dog

A psychiatric service dog is trained to assist with psychiatric disabilities including soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar disorder, autism, depression, anxiety or any other mental impairment that is at the level of a disability.

Mental Health Service Dog

This is an alternate term used for a psychiatric service dog. Because the word psychiatric carries a stigma, a large percentage of people with mental illness have an aversion to it.  It’s often associated with words like psycho, psychopath, psychotic, and crazy. (To learn more about the stigma associated with mental health issues visit actress Glenn Close’s nonprofit: Bring Change 2 Mind.)

Emotional Support Dog

An emotional support dog usually provides comfort rather than performing specific tasks but these dogs aren’t defined as service dogs.

Skilled Companion Dog

A skilled companion dog is trained to provide their owners with relief from feelings of isolation, increasing a sense of well-being, sense of purpose and self-esteem. They have been proven to increase optimism and mood.

Mobility Assist Dog

Mobility Assistance Dogs increase the independence of a person who uses a wheelchair and/or has trouble standing. These dogs perform tasks such as retrieving dropped items and opening doors.

Diabetes Assistance Dog

Diabetic Assistance Dogs are life-savers. They help their humans maintain better control over blood sugar levels and provide continuous glucose monitoring.

Autism Assist Dog

Autism effects sensory, memory, motor and postural control. Social and communication skills can be compromised leading to social isolation. Assistance dogs for autism can provide a bridge to a more functional and interactive life.

Seizure Assistance Dog

There are two types of dogs trained to help with seizure disorders. Seizure response dogs and seizure alert dogs. A seizure response dog can summon help, carry information about the handler’s condition, and provide physical supports. A seizure alert dog can sense and notify their human companions of an oncoming seizure by circling, pawing, or barking.

If I have left anything out of this list, please be sure to post a comment!

written for Petside

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Martin, played by two-time Academy Award nominee Willem Dafoe, is a skilled mercenary hired by an anonymous company and sent to the wilds of Tasmania. His mission impossible is to hunt for a Tasmanian tiger—a flesh eating wolf-like marsupial with stripes and believed to be extinct. Based on alleged sightings of this rare predatory animal, Martin’s employers send him to catch the tiger for its genetic material. The isolated world of hunter Martin poetically echoes that of the hunted wild “Tazzy.”
Under the guise of scientific research Martin is sent to stay with a family but finds the living situation far different than expected. Aside from the startling lack of amenities he’s also faced with two neglected children (brilliantly played by Morgana Davies and Jacek Koman), and a mother (Frances O’Connor) doped on pain meds. There is one friend (Sam Neill) who comes by to check on them, but it quickly becomes apparent that these ragamuffins need looking after. The autonomous Martin resents the emotional intrusion but mysteries about the missing father combined with rumors of the tiger sightings begin to crack the edges of the hunter.

It is hard to imagine anyone but Willem Dafoe as Martin. Director Daniel Nettheim said, “It is crucial that Martin is much more than merely enigmatic. The audience needs to find him compelling to watch.” Producer Vincent Sheehan said, “It had to be an actor who offered leading man qualities as well as being believably old enough to be facing his ‘last chance of redemption’ while also being profoundly physically fit. There are very few actors who match all of these categories. Willem does.”
The Hunter provides a haunted, eerie, voyage into a dangerous world that will make you hold your breath. Opens in theaters April 6.
Watch rare footage of the last Tasmanian tiger circa 1933.
Watch The Hunter movie trailer.

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The article refers to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and claims that the top 2 tiers of hierarchy explain why people share: “People want the respect of others, and they want to feel a sense of belonging.”

Here is a very interesting study from the New York Times’ Consumer Insight Group if you’d like to read more.

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1. Protect your computer with spam filters, anti-virus and anti-spyware software.

2. Shop on trustworthy websites only.

3. Protect Your Personal Information by reading the site’s policy.

4. Things that sound too good to be true usually are.

5. Beware of phishing—legitimate businesses do not email you about an order and ask for personal info. Always check the email of the sender. Make sure you know who you are actually communicating with. Look for slight spelling changes. For example I’ve received many “UPS” emails asking me for my address and phone number to send a package to. But when I view who sent the email it says “USPS” — these types of scams have become as commonplace as those telling you that you inherited millions of dollars and to please send your info to collect it.

6. Make sure an online purchase is secure—always look in the address box for the “s” in https:// and in the lower-right corner for the “lock” symbol before paying.

7. Pay with a credit card because under federal law, a shopper can dispute the charges if the item never arrives. Never wire money. Western Union is a reputable company but there is no protection for the consumer once the money is wired. If you are asked to wire money you are more than likely being scammed.

8. As Judge Judy always says, “Don’t be stupid! Always keep a paper trail.” Save emails, website purchase confirmation pages, etc.

9. Read your credit card statements carefully! Be on the lookout for suspicious charges.

10. Federal law protects the consumer. If your purchase is not delivered within 30 days, or not by promised time, the consumer can cancel the order and receive a full refund. You are also protected if you receive damaged or misrepresented merchandise.

Here’s to a happy and SAFE holiday season for you!

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